Steppingstonestofaith

Did I allow my anger toward Him to cloud my judgment of who I truly know Him to be the good, good Father?

Isn’t it funny how, through all our trials, the one person who becomes so relatable is Job? I often wonder if the conversation went down similarly. Did God ask Satan if he considered me? Did God boast about how faithful I was to Him and how I would not curse Him should things not go my way? Did His confidence in me cloud His judgment of how weak I really proved to be?

All I know is that His confidence outweighed my faithfulness in Him. I know His Word says that nothing can separate us from His love, but why do I feel like such a hypocrite? Why did the words of the One who once brought me so much confidence not seem to soothe the pain I was bearing?

Does any of this get better?

For a long time, I wasn’t sure. Faith was something I had held so tightly to, yet in my deepest pain, it felt like it slipped right through my fingers. I wanted to believe, but how do you worship when your heart is shattered? How do you serve when you feel unworthy?

But here’s what I’ve come to realize grief does not make faith invalid. Questions do not make love disappear. And though I wrestled, though I doubted, though I sat in the silence waiting for an answer that didn’t come the way I expected… He never left.

His love wasn’t based on my strength. It was never about how well I held on,it was about the fact that He never let me go. Even when I was angry. Even when I felt lost. Even when I thought I had walked too far away to ever come back.

So, does it get better?

Maybe not in the way I once hoped. The losses are real. The pain is real. But so is He. And I think, maybe, healing doesn’t come in erasing the questions but in finding Him even in the midst of them.

“The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit.” Psalm 34:18